Coming Out To Family ………….
Hey there lovelies, this is a post that maybe I should have been able to write decades ago. But in the first instance I have only been blogging for a few years and in the second, I will be 45 years old next week, and this is something that ranks up there as possibly one of, if not, the hardest thing I ever did. Why so difficult ?? you may ask. There is a good reason why despite the significant number of younger people that are now coming out as transgender, so many older people are also doing the same. Lets go back to the 80’s, and I don’t mean cheesy music, big hair and shoulder pads, I mean persecution, lack of compassion and understanding, intolerance of anyone who didn’t conform to societal norms and binaries and a general poor level of education with regard to those of us who fell under the then frowned upon LGBT culture. Back in the day, with the exception of a minority, trans people kept their heads down and their mouths shut. In general we would be labelled as freaks, as sexual deviants, and as the kind of people that would also be assumed to have some sort of agenda, other than simply wanting to be ourselves and get on with life. In the later 80’s and 90’s there was an LGBT revolution, except it wasn’t really LGBT, more just LGB and the T got left behind, you see, society likes labels, and in particular ones that have only 2 options, Male/Female, Black/White, Rich/Poor ……. You get the idea …… However, there has never really, and even to an extent now, been an acceptance of ‘Umbrella’ descriptors. Transgender is one of these, with the whole range of gender labels that are needed, to cover everyone who does not identify as cisgender (Identity matches sex assigned at birth). Things have now moved on and legal protections are in place, its now recognised that being trans is not a mental health condition or a psychological illness, more that these are an effect of the struggle that we have to be able to live normal lives and obtain acceptance as valid people. Anyway, more detail of all this is probably for a different post, and I will end up going down a hole and writing pages about it if I don’t get back on track. So, here I am, its 2019, I will, in a few days hit 45 years of age and all of a sudden, I feel that I can’t keep this ‘Dirty Secret’ a secret anymore. I mean its not really a secret that I am trans, I have been coming out to more and more people for the last 10 years, anyone who knows me, will know that its made no difference to the person that I am, I am the same person underneath, I just dress in a way that fits who I am at any given time. I mean, it took me long enough to really accept that there is actually nothing wrong with me, such is the impact of how society labelled and discriminated against people like me. I have said before that I have always known who I am. I have on so many occasions in my life tried to tell people, and telling those you love more than anything is the hardest, but I’ve always bottled it and carried on living that lie. This hurt nobody but me, because I knew that I simply wasn’t being true to myself. The thing is, much that it hurts, you can accept rejection from some friends and acquaintances, after all, if its not someone who has a direct impact on your life, then its their loss to not have you around anymore, but your family, that’s a whole different ball game, and more so when they are much older. My parents are in their 70’s and come from a very different era, to not conform is to rebel, to cause a problem, to be a social reject. Along with this is that generational attitude of ‘I am too old to change’, it’s a crap excuse but a common one. A few weeks ago I did something else I never thought I would or could do, I did a boudoir photo shoot, and it was such an amazing and liberating experience, it really gave me a feeling of empowerment about who I am, how amazing I am, how I am enough and how I can do anything I want. This was not some surface feeling brought on by being told I was an amazing and beautiful person, it was a deep inside feeling of confidence in being able to be me. It was like someone turned a light on and showed that my fluidity is something that’s ok, something to be embraced and not shut away, I suddenly felt altogether calmer and things that were stressing me were relieved. This brings me to the point, I got up one day last week, and simply thought, no more, I have to tell them, I have to be open, and I have to deal with whatever the fall out is. I was going to see them for dinner, I needed some time with them anyway, things have been strained for the last 6 months since the ultimate failure of my marriage, and that all needed to be put to bed. Maybe it was selfish of me to do this at the same time, but I have always put everyone else ahead of myself, and this day was going to be different. I will be honest, I made notes, I planned answers to any possible questions, I prepared to be rejected and told to get out and don’t come back, I spent all day worrying if I should go through with it. I mean its been 45 years of life so far, a little more wait wouldn’t make a difference, would it ?? But no, it had to be now, and it had to be done. I was truly terrified, as the moment approached, I so very nearly bottled it so many times. Now, I’ve been in some horrific situations in my life, I’ve seen so much brutality, death and destruction, in some of the worst and most oppressed parts of this world, the kind of places that most would never go, where life is worthless, but that all faded away into history compared to how I felt about what I was going to do now. So I started with the whole, right, you both know how much I love you, and I know how much you both love me right ?? OK. Well there’s something I need to tell you and I need you to promise that you won’t over react or judge me ?? OK. Well, there is this thing about me, I’ve known all my life and its never impacted on our relationships before and doesn’t need to in the future. Then, I guess it the inability of a parent to keep their mouth shut, became too much, and what was said was “I suppose you are going to tell us that you are fucking gay now ?? my god, what is wrong with you, I suppose this is why you have 2 failed marriages now”. What I wanted to say, was, 'oh no, its much worse than that !!', what I actually said was, 'no, no I am not gay, and I don’t think I can say any more as you are not prepared to listen, I’m your fucking son, and all I want is to tell you something that so fundamentally important about my life, something that on top of anxiety and PTSD has caused further impact on my mental health. I’m going, it doesn’t matter, I just don’t ever want you to find out second hand from someone else, and you are not prepared to listen or give me time'. By now I was in total meltdown, tears streaming and barely able to speak so I got up to leave. My mother then grabbed my arm hugged me and said told me to sit down and talk, and they would listen without judgement. So, It was a now or never moment after all that, and I just said it. I am Trans, specifically gender fluid, and have been my whole life. Either you accept me or you don’t, that’s your choice, I will never expect you to be involved with the other side of who I am unless you so wish to meet up, I will always be your son, and I will always love you both without condition. The replies were not the most complimentary but were not rude or mean or negative in anyway either, my mum just wanted to hug me and tell me it makes no difference and my dad didn’t even want to make eye contact although he was still conversing and was remaining calm. I left it at that, and simply said if you want to learn more, then I can send you links to resources, I can send you more info so you can better understand, or you can just ask me anything, at least now I have nothing to hide and can be totally open with you. There were a few other things said but nothing I can specifically recall. So actually, it went better than I could have ever hoped I think, they haven’t said anything more, I’ve had a couple of reassuring texts and they were fine last time I saw them as well. Now I just have to wait, for the initial shock of knowing to fade away, I know they will come back with more questions, I doubt they will be comfortable with meeting the female me, but you know what, I’m ok with that, I no longer feel like I have been deceiving them and don’t have to worry about being seen or outed to them, and that is the better thing. I know that if it ever happens that they will be prepared, it won’t be a shock and they can just dismiss the subject away as having no relevance to anyone else’s life. All that I have left now is to repeat the whole thing with my little brother, I say little, he is 42 years old, and a teacher, so I do really hope he believes in what he teaches by ways of tolerance and acceptance of all. I suspect having know him his whole life that he may be more old school in attitude than he lets on, but I hope I will be pleasantly surprised. Wish me luck, when it comes to it, I will need it all over again !!!!! All that’s left is for me to say, thanks so much for taking the time to read this and I would be happy to receive any comments or feedback that you may have. There are lots more posts on here as well. Just check out the archives and, if you would like to follow me, that would make me very happy. Just click on the social media links below to add, follow and like my feeds and pages. Thanks again, love and hugs to all. Sophie xxxx Facebook www.facebook.com/beingsophie Twitter www.twitter.com/sophietgirl Bloglovin www.bloglovin.com/blogs/being-sophie-17676297 Instagram www.instagram.com/sophie.smallman
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AuthorHi, I'm Sophie. I hope you enjoy reading my blog. Please leave some comments on what you think of my blog x Archives
March 2022
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