Building Confidence …………
Wow, I didn’t realise how long it’s been since I last wrote a blog post, but its almost a year. I could make some excuse about Covid or blame it on my mental health. But, so many things over the last year, along with a bit of a writer’s block, have contributed to this. The list is exhaustive, so I’ll avoid boring you all with it. So, this post is a fresh perspective on writing for me, it still fits in with my life and my experiences drawn from being a trans woman but could apply to anyone. Over this last year, there are many things that I’ve noticed about people around me and those I have close links with through social media. Something that’s become apparent since the start of the Covid pandemic is the number of people that suffer from confidence problems. This comes from various angles, but the big thing I’ve discovered is that over this last year of repeated lockdowns, many of you feel like you’ve lost your identities, and when trying to re-establish who you are, many of you have discovered things about yourselves that you’ve become unhappy with. There are many reasons, but a definite pattern is that for so many people either working from home, or not able to work at all, life has become loungewear, snacking and Netflix, or whatever your choice of chillout attire and entertainment is. Some of us have gained weight, some have lost weight, we’ve not been able to get our usual beauty treatments done, whether that be hair, nails, brows or facials or go to gyms or spas. These are all things that we took for granted and are all things that both affect our wellbeing, and how we see ourselves. Its always easy to simply say ‘Love the body you’re in’ but with the media being the biggest input to our lives in recent times, that’s not so easy. We are bombarded with images of the body perfect, our favourite celebs, all movie fit, and immaculately turned out. But what we miss, if we don’t look more closely is that they are not all so movie fit, they are not always so perfectly preened. Remember, they have also been off work, they’ve also been locked down, they have also used time to relax and kick back, many will have intense times ahead to get back to where they were pre-covid, some will do that and some will simply say, this is me, this is real, and lets just get on with appreciating the life that we have. The problem for us all, is that for so long we’ve been fed images of what is beautiful, how we should aspire to look, we are told what we should eat, drink, and how we should live. These things for most of us, are unachievable, trying to do all this sets many of us up to fail, we don’t have the time or the money to do it all. Actually, the key to body confidence really is accepting the body we have been given and working with it and not trying to constantly change it. There is no quick fix, little changes, will over time, add up to bigger changes. So, how do we achieve this ?? How do we make these changes ?? How do we build and rebuild our confidence and comfort in our own skins ?? A loss of, or lack of body confidence has a bigger impact on our daily lives than just not liking how we see ourselves. It impacts our personal confidence, it can make us feel less adequate, it can for many have a negative impact on mental health. Bringing on low mood, and a lack of desire to get out and do things, it can introduce social anxiety, it can affect how other people see us. These can be spiralling problems that really affect our daily lives. I know this, because I have struggled my whole life with all these things, to many people, I seem really confident, really outgoing and really comfortable in my skin and with my identity. But it hasn’t always been that way, for most of my life I’ve struggled with my identity. Those who have read some of my previous blogs, or have taken the time to get to know me, will know how this impacted me, how I’ve rediscovered who I am and how I had to build myself back up to be who I am today. I can’t escape from my general mental health issues, I suffer from anxiety, depression and I suffer with PTSD, but these are things that I can manage, sometimes with medication and sometimes without, but I will never be free of them. Some of this is linked to my gender identity, some brought on by life experiences and some by my own body image issues. For my body confidence and how I see myself, one of the biggest things that I had to learn to accept, was that as a woman, there is little that I can do about the body that I was born with. Well, not without serious medical intervention, and that’s not something that I want to have. So what is body confidence ?? in short it’s how you feel about the way you look and how you allow that to impact aspects of your life. When you accept how you look and what your body can do, you can say you are body confident. So, quite simply this has nothing to do with being fit, or slim, or blonde or if you see yourself as attractive to others or not, but everything to do with accepting yourself and your own limits. We are all different and we all have things we like and dislike about our physical selves. But there are a few things that we can do to boost body confidence and in turn self-acceptance and build our self-confidence. This is just my take on it, but these are things that worked for me. Understand that there is no perfect body, and no defined way that you should look. You don’t need washboard abs, you don’t need superboost boobs, a round perky butt or cellulite free thighs. You don’t need to look like anyone other than you. Don’t spend your whole life trying to fix the bits you see as flaws, there is only so much you can do without it absorbing all your time, energy and money. We all come in different shapes and sizes, this is normal. Yes, it’s not healthy to be obese, but its also not healthy to be a stick !! Changing your diet, not dieting is the key to a healthy balance. Diets don’t work for most people, the whole diet industry feeds off people with body confidence issues, there is just one simple thing that people who regularly diet should know, and that is that the body creates fat cells, to store the extras over the times when we put weight on. That cell is always going to be there, it doesn’t go away when you lose weight. So, the minute you eat too many calories, boom, that’s where that excess is stored. We can’t change this, its nature, our bodies burn glucose not fat and fat is the way we store fuel in our bodies. It takes a total lifestyle change to lose weight and stay slim. So, don’t ever kick yourself if you put on weight, you haven’t failed !! just make an adjustment and increase exercise, as simple as going for a walk. Exercise also releases serotonin, the chemical that stimulates feelings of wellbeing. Stop comparing yourself to others, you are not them, you don’t have their DNA, you cannot and never will be them. Some people are short, some are tall, some have naturally tiny waists some have straight bodies. We are all different and perfect in every way. I describe mine as an inverted triangle, I have almost no waist, and my shape is determined by the fact I was born and assigned male at birth. There are things I can’t change, I have broader shoulders, I have a smaller pelvis and don’t naturally store fat on my bum and thighs, so I have a lack of hips. My upper body around my shoulders and chest is a size 16-18, and my hips are around a 12-14, but when we are clothed, no one sees what’s underneath, so experiment and find clothing styles that work with your body shape, don’t focus on a naked you, focus on the dressed you after all, that’s how others see you. Find the things you love about yourself and not the things you dislike. Focus on these and don’t worry about the rest. At the same time, remember that what you see in magazines and on social media has frequently been either edited, filtered or retouched. That girl or guy in that picture, likely has all the same flaws as you do. So just don’t stress about them, away from the page in that glossy magazine, they are as perfectly imperfect as you and I are. Fill your life with people who make you feel good about yourself. These are your kind of people. People who just accept you without condition, people who notice if you are not feeling right, people who offer themselves to support you as readily as you would for them. if people have criticisms over how you look or how you live your life, get rid of them, you don’t need to listen to or have negative influences, they are not good for your wellbeing and will do nothing for your confidence. This doesn’t even have to be direct; I’ve had friends in the past, who I hadn’t come out to as transgender. When I heard by chance, some of their views on not only trans people, but also those who were part of the wider LGBTQ community, I was shocked. I made my opinions on their attitudes known, and simply faded contact with them and allowed the friendships to dissolve. The point of this is that if that’s how so-called friends think about other people who are like you, even if they don’t aim the comments at you, it’s not good for you to know that’s how they feel in general. Clear out the deadwood, they are not good for you and your wellbeing, happiness and confidence. People who tell you that you should lose or gain weight, wear certain clothes, change things about yourself, because it will make you more attractive or happier, they’re wrong, it won’t make you happier, stopping doing these things and accepting yourself will actually make you happier. Finally, the one thing I did that made the biggest difference to how I perceived the way I look was to have a social media clear out and rebuild my networks. I literally looked at every profile that I was linked to on Facebook and even more so on Instagram. I removed anyone who posted images or comments that made me feel annoyed, upset or inadequate in any way. I left groups that I decided were toxic to my life and life choices, and I looked at comments on my own posts and removed people who had been negatively critical of me personally. Not people who had disagreed with something I said, we are allowed our own opinions, but what we can’t do, is deliberately be offensive. I then looked for groups and people who were likeminded, coincidentally a friend invited me to join a Facebook group for women over 40 that is all about confidence. I have to say, it really is the most wonderful group of genuinely inspiring women from all walks of life. The fact that this group is full of women with life experience is what makes such a difference. It isn’t all Reality TV, celebrity obsessed, 20 something, size zeros, with Insta feeds full of pouts and filters. It’s a seriously lovely group who are there to build each other up, no criticism, no negativity, just support and genuine advice when asked for. No word of a lie, I had a bit of a mood dip a week ago, I didn’t post up or comment for a few days, and regular users noticed, people who didn’t even know me personally were asking if anyone had heard from me and if I was ok. I have people who I considered were good friends who’ve never once, since the start of the Covid outbreak, contacted me to check if I’m ok. They will be moving out of my life for good. In fact, they have already been replaced with some new friends I’ve made, friends who message and chat to me, as often as I do to them !!! My kind of people !!! And that’s that to be honest, these are my top tips to enhance your life, and in turn improve your wellbeing, body and self-confidence. There’s nothing there, that is either difficult or complicated to do, but believe me, I’ve done all of thisand it really does work. A couple of years ago I’d never have thought I’d be told I was an inspiration to other women and that I was missed when my presence dropped away. I wasn’t even confident enough to put myself and my photos and ideas out there for the whole world to see, but this year, right here and now ……………. I’ve got this, I am good enough and I’ve finally learned to love me, all of me !!! Thanks so much for taking the time to read this and I would be happy to receive any comments or feedback that you may have. There are lots more posts on here as well. Just check out the archives and, if you would like to follow me, that would make me very happy. Just click on the social media links below to add, follow and like my feeds and pages. Thanks again, love and hugs to you all. Sophie xxxx Facebook www.facebook.com/beingsophie Twitter www.twitter.com/sophietgirl Bloglovin www.bloglovin.com/blogs/being-sophie-17676297 Instagram www.instagram.com/sophie.smallman
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AuthorHi, I'm Sophie. I hope you enjoy reading my blog. Please leave some comments on what you think of my blog x Archives
March 2022
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