Many years ago, then not so many years ago and at a great many other points in my life, I have repeatedly asked myself this question, ‘Why Me?’
It’s only in the last 7 years, since I met my amazing wife, I have stopped asking myself this and just accepted that I am me, and I am never going to change. The reason I learned to accept me is because she, accepted me, just the way I am, right from the start of our relationship. Although there was always one problem, back then my name was Melissa, she didn’t think that I was really a Melissa, Mel or any other thing you could make out of it, she thought I was much more of a Sophie was a much more age appropriate name for a 35 year old T-girl, she was right, being my wife, she usually is. Not always but usually. Over the years, I’ve been Katie, Leah, Emma, Melissa and finally settled on Sophie, it’s definitely the name that suits me the most. Sophie is here to stay, Sophie is real and since being able to just be, I have developed a style and look of my own, which is slowly catching up with my real age. ‘Me’ of course, is the whole of me, both sides of who I am. My boy side, which is who I tend to be more than not, and my girl side which is an equally relevant side of me, but who I tend to be not quite as much. Although, that said, both sides of me are the whole of me, so without being able to be and express both sides of me, I would not be complete. Now, if that made sense to you then you did a better job of reading it than I did of writing it. The truth is, I don’t know the answer to this question of ‘Why Me?’ which really is why I wasted so many years of my life trying to find it. Alongside kicking myself, and convincing myself there was something wrong with me. For periods of my life stretching years and years, I have lived convinced that I was some sort of freak or weirdo. I now know in myself that this is not because I was odd or strange, but more likely because that was how society viewed people like me, and that was how I was brought up and conditioned. There is nothing good about ‘Gender Stereotyping’ it didn’t help me, it just made me feel like I should be completely something I wasn’t. Luckily, being one of the odd ones in society has meant I have always thought with an open mind and always just accepted anyone for being who they are. That’s the key you see, it’s the person who you accept in life and nothing else about them matters. In reality, as an 80’s child it should have been easy, it was the decade of change, there were so many male stars who dressed in a more feminine manner, wore makeup and also had long hair and earrings, this was something that as a 10 year old boy I was never going to be allowed to have, in fact the thought of openly being myself, terrified me, so it just became my ‘dirty little secret’, and this had all sorts of other impacts on me but I will talk about those under other titles. Now, in 2016 things are great I can dress how I like, when I like, mostly, but it hasn’t always been like that. On and off throughout my life there have been periods of time when I have supressed who I am, Katie, Leah, Emma and Melissa have been shut away on so many occasion’s, but all it did was made me unhappy. But I don’t mean unhappy like a child whose helium balloon just escaped and is disappearing off up toward the clouds, I mean a slow and gradual decline into becoming depressive. Think how you would feel if someone locked up half of who you are, not to be expressed or enjoyed, not to be allowed out to live. Then make yourself the jailer that locked them up, you start to get the idea. These times tended to coincide with being in relationships, I was always too scared to share who I really was with anyone, and do you know what, maybe that’s why those relationships were destined to fail. I guess I will never know, but what I can tell you is that since Melissa and now Sophie have been allowed to live, and I have a wife who accepts and loves the whole of me. I have never been happier.
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AuthorHi, I'm Sophie. I hope you enjoy reading my blog. Please leave some comments on what you think of my blog x Archives
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